My first Christmas without Evan wasn’t a holiday at all—it was a schedule designed to keep me from thinking. I told myself if I stayed busy, the grief would behave, like a dog trained to lie down when commanded. I took extra shifts at the library, volunteered to reorganize the donations room, and smiled at patrons until my cheeks hurt, because the alternative was going home to a house that still carried his shape in every corner.
The cancer had been the kind that steals you in installments: the first surgery that “went well,” the chemo that made food taste like metal, the late-night fever that sent us back to the ER with a bag already packed.
People kept saying Evan “fought,” but it didn’t feel like a battle—more like watching the tide pull a boat away while you held the rope until your hands bled. When he died, the house became a museum curated by accident. His jacket still hung on the chair because the last time he wore it, I couldn’t bring myself to move it. His shoes stayed by the door because my mind kept expecting the sound of them on the tile.
